Darkness
shrinks away however dense or black it is. Even if the people desire to cling
onto it with all their might, wishing to lose themselves in it, is all in vain.
It never stayed for her.
She
wanted to lose herself in this nameless abode but she realized that the life is
too cruel to give you what you wish for; when she wanted her life filled with
light, life pushed her into utter blackness. It plucked her father from her
existence. Now that she wanted to give in to this gloom, everybody was pulling
her out of it against her wishes. Hers was an anguish filled with woe; a woe
for the separation, a separation which was decreed for her. Separation from her
mother when she was born, then her father taken away from her, soon there will
be a gulf between her and her honor as this society already decided to forsake
her. Then the separation from --- Ilaaf.
Her
eyes flew open and she bolted upright. Room was filled with sunlight, there was
nobody else with her.
“What
am I thinking?” She admonished herself. “Does he still occupy a place in my
life?” Thousands of questions, rising in her heart, went unanswered.
It was
happening since last two days. Her train of thoughts never paused, her mind was
in total control of her heart and her heart was a different story. It
surrendered to Ilaaf. After all that happened, her love for that despicable man
was unshaken. Baba always said, she thought to herself, that he is the one for
me but see what happened. Baba and I are disgraced and Baba died just because
of him.
She
got off from the bed and came to the dressing table. She looked long and hard
at herself in the mirror. She was ruined because of that man still she could
not take him out of her heart. How could she be so weak that she was not able
to slap him or curse him?
“I
love you Qandeel.” He whispered in her ear.
“NO!”
She screamed, distressed. “I don’t love you. Did you hear it? I don’t love
you!” She covered her ears so that she won’t be able to hear his voice. “You
are a murderer of my father. You are heartless. You ruined me. I hate you. I
hate you with every bit of my being.” Screaming at the top her voice, she sat
on the floor and started scratching at her face with her nails. “I will never
forgive you, never ever!” She was slapping her face now. “I will throw you out
of my heart and life. Go away; just leave me alone. Why don’t you go away!” By
the end of it, she was sobbing terribly.
“Qandeel,
control yourself.” Somebody held her by shoulders. She pulled away without
looking who it was.
“Go out
of my life.” She wept bitterly.
“Where
is Ayesha? Ask her to come here right away.” Hamza Shahid said to somebody.
She
folded her knees and lied on the floor still weeping. Then the familiar
compassionate hands straightened her in sitting position.
“Qandeel,
my child!” Qandeel stopped crying and looked up at her. This face compelled her
to embrace life once again. Since last two days; Qandeel was sleeping in her
arms, eating from her hands, getting washed by her. She used to come out of the
room in the fresh air simply because she asked her to do it. Qandeel was being
like a baby, tended by this angelic woman.
“Ayesha
Khala!” Qandeel exclaimed, lost for words and hugged her like clinging to the
dear life itself.
“Please
control yourself Qandeel dear. For how long you will go on crying like this.
You are aware of how much your tears would hurt Yusuf bhai.” Her
soft fingers were caressing her hair. That
calmed her down a little. Ayesha Omer kissed her forehead and wiped her tears.
She also asked her to wash her face and freshen up. Qandeel obeyed and came
back to sit on her bed.
Everybody
was present in her room. They were all silent, waiting for her to say
something. She looked at each face; Maryam, Hamza Shahid, Kamran Ali, Sohail,
and Ayesha Omer and began, “I am very sorry that each of you has to endure
because of me.” She was composed now.
“We
are not enduring at all. What we all want from you is that you must look
forward now. Step out of this sadness. Life will become very hard if you will
insist to remain inside this shell.” Ayesha Omer held her hand. Qandeel looked
at her. She always felt there was magic in her touch and it always soothed her
as if she was somebody close like a blood relation.
“I
will not give you a reason to complaint ever again. I will be brave. I will
work to realize my Baba’s dream.” She continued. “He asked me never to give up
and I will definitely pay attention to it. I cannot promise to begin the new
life but I will face the hardships and move forward.”
“That’s
like a good girl. Life should never stop. It must always move forward.” Ayesha
Omer patted her cheek.
Qandeel
tried to smile and realized it is so hard.
“Qandeel
I wish you wouldn’t live here alone. Yusuf also thought so.” She looked at
Hamza Shahid. She sensed he was quite silent for last two days. She was seeing
him in this manner for the first time. Qandeel realized he was as much saddened
by Yusuf Mairaj’s death as she was.
“Tell
me what do you want me to do and I will.” Kamran Ali already told her that Yusuf
Mairaj was her guardian now and he couldn’t afford to be careless with her now.
“I
want you to decide for yourself. I cannot be Yusuf but it will be my utmost
intention to be like him. I will accept and second your decisions.” She
regarded him silently. Qandeel could not tell if his haggard look was because
of the endurance he was going through or of the sudden responsibility, he had
to add to his life. “That is my promise.” He finished.
“Come
to Islamabad with me Qandeel. Ammi does not want you to live here all by
yourself.” Sohail said. She also wanted to meet Shama Khala but the idea of
uprooting from here suddenly failed to make sense to her. She was not able to
take a decision as of now.
“I
don’t have any objection if you decide to live with your Khala. But if you want
to live in Karachi then I would very much like you to live with me at my house,
just like my daughter.” Hamza Shahid was benevolent as ever.
She
looked at Ayesha Omer who was intent on Hamza Shahid and Shohail. Qandeel
wished Ayeshe Omer would make the same request to her to stay with her. She
could not fathom the pull she felt every time she was around this wonderful
woman. May be because she was ammi’s friend and Qandeel felt the same rush of
love, reserved for mothers, whenever she saw her. Or may be there was some
other reason, which she could not know now. But she was dismayed when Ayesha
remained silent all through this discussion, never once did she offer anything.
May be, Qandeel thought, it didn’t cross her mind. She discarded the idea of
living with her as soon as it entered her mind. Why on earth, Qandeel thought,
would Ayesha Omer make such an offer to her. They were not even related so why
would she express such a notion. And also, her family would not approve of this
settlement. Just because I have hopelessly fallen in love with her does not
imply that her family would put up with me. She was trying to reason with
herself despite of her wish.
Qandeel
wanted to cry all over again. She wouldn’t have to think about all these difficult
things if Baba would have been alive. She wouldn’t have needed to take this
painful decision of leaving her own place and living with somebody else. Her
eyes glistened with the unshed tears. She had to make an effort to halt the
tears right there.
“I
cannot decide right now.” Qandeel began
her voice hollow. “I respect your concern but I need to thought it all out
before deciding upon anything and I will let you all know about my decision. I
want to live here at Baba’s place for few days. I am not yet ready to leave it
at once.” And then she came out of the room when it became too much to keep it
inside her.
Qandeel,
sitting on the stairs, watched the light disappearing into the night. The
evening of 25th March was gloomy. She started missing Baba. They
used to sit and have their tea right here.
“I
want to die on Friday because Saima also died on this day.” A tear rolled down
her cheek. “And our graves will be side
by side so you will not have to recite Surah Fatiha twice. We’ll listen
together to whatever you have got to say.” His solemn intentions ringed in her
head.
Qandeel
heard Kamran Ali and Sohail behind her; she wiped the tears and looked at them.
They came to sit with her, distracting her with trivial things.
“When
are you going back?” She asked Sohail.
“Tonight.
I wanted to take you with me but I understand that it will be very difficult
for you. Ammi will be very disappointed but I will see to her. You must take
care of yourself and remember that our home is always open for you.” Qandeel
nodded.
“Give
my love to Saba, Talha, Faiza and Bisma bhabhi.
Say my salam to Subhan uncle and tell Khala that I will come one day.” The
small talk really helped to distract her.
Hamza
Shahid also came out. He and Kamran Ali were relieved to see Qandeel in better
spirits. Maryam was inside with Ayesha
Omer.
“I
want to go to the graveyard; will you please take me there?” She asked Kamran
Ali.
“You
have already visited it twice Qandeel.” Kamran Ali chided her. She bowed her
head. “It’s late in the evening, anyway. We will go tomorrow.” She agreed then
asked after a while, “Tomorrow is the hearing, right?” Kamran Ali pursed his
lips in disapproval but Hamza Shahid remained patient and nodded.
“Saqib
bhai didn’t visit me after that day. May be he thought I am of no use anymore.”
She said thoughtfully.
Hamza
Shahid cleared his throat, “actually, no. He is under a misunderstanding and
thinks…” He couldn’t continue though.
“That
I stood as a witness against Ilaaf because I wanted to blackmail him into
marrying me. And then I ran away from home, so that I don’t have to be present
for the hearing when I got a deal with Ilaaf.” Qandeel’s hollow voice resonated
with the venom, injected into her in those last two days.
Both
the men were rendered silent.
“I
don’t have any complaint against anybody. Neither Sami nor Phupho, who held me
responsible for my father’s death. Not even Saqib who thinks I am a liar and a
fraud; he went directly to the graveyard and didn’t even come to the home for
condolences.” Her tone devoid of any feelings. “I decided to stand as a witness
on the faith and order of Allah. I don’t care what people think about me. I
have done my due part and I am content with it.”
Hamza
Shahid patted her head.
“You
are a brave girl. Yusuf was right to be proud of you.”
“I
want to go to the court tomorrow.” Qandeel said.
“I
don’t think it’s a good idea.” Kamran Ali interjected at once.
“Please.
I want to see if I could protect my witness.”
“They
have already prepared everything to prove you are a liar.”
“I
know that already. But I don’t want to hide. I want to meet it head-on.”
Kamran
Ali was against the idea of her visiting the court but Hamza Shahid permitted
her. Qandeel was grateful for his understanding her situation.
They
came inside. Ayesha Omer and Maryam prepared the dinner. Qandeel was feeling
better now. Maryam had to leave after Maghrib prayers. Sohail also left as he
was scheduled for his flight. Qandeel and Hamza Shahid sat together, he was
telling her about her father’s last wish.
They
sat for dinner together. Qandeel ate from Ayesha’s hands. Her every action
brimmed with love, always overwhelming Qandeel. After dinner they sat in Yusuf
Mairaj’s room while Ayesha Omer prepared tea. Dr. Lodhi also visited which was
a pleasant surprise for Qandeel since he had specifically come to meet her. He
also carried some reports of Qandeel’s medical tests, which he insisted upon
taking yesterday.
Hamza
Shahid suggested they could go out if he wanted to have privacy with Qandeel
but he waived off any such suggestion and started talking,
“According
to your CT scan report, there is nothing wrong with your brain. Other reports
are also normal but still I am very worried about you.” Qandeel listened to him
silently. “The speed, with which your condition is changing, is worrisome. Your
irregular breathing, involuntary jerks of the body, talking while unconscious
and now the strange dreams you have started having, point to something
dangerous; for both your health and future.” Kamran Ali and Hamza Shahid were
worried. “I tried hard to convince Yusuf to take you England for some check-ups
but he never budged. And I am going to advise the same to you. I will help you
in documentation even taking an appointment with Dr. Scott will be easy, only
if you say yes.”
“I
cannot yet decide about it.” Qandeel replied flatly.
“Try
to be reasonable Qandeel. You don’t have Yusuf anymore to take care of you when
you get these attacks. You now have only yourself. You cannot fight it alone.”
At the
mention of Yusuf she hid her face to keep the tears inside her eyes but
couldn’t control her sobs. Who, indeed, would collect her when she would break
down.
“I
didn’t mean to hurt you or make you cry, dear.” Dr. Lodhi touched her head.
“I
know uncle you are thinking for my own good.” She spoke through her sobs.
Dr.
Lodhi told them that he’d visit again and left. Ayesha Omer came to sit beside
her and kissed her.
“I
don’t want to leave you but I wasn’t home for two days and I really need to go
now.”
“I am
aware that your routine is disturbed by me. Please don’t worry, I am fine now.”
“No, I
am not disturbed by it. You are just like a daughter to me.” Ayesha Omer
smiled. Qandeel made an effort of smiling back at her.
“Take
good care of yourself. I will visit you in a day or two.” Qandeel nodded. “And
I will approve of it if you stay with Hamza Shahid. I don’t think it’s a good
idea that you live here alone.”
“Will
you come to meet me?” Qandeel inquired.
She
smiled benignly. “Yes, of course, my love. I will visit you wherever you decide
to stay.” She hugged her, planted a kiss on her forhead again and left.
Hamza
Shahid and Kamran Ali wanted to stay with her but she insisted that they should
go home and that she will be alright. They couldn’t stand against her insistence
and left.
She
closed the door and instead of going in her room, she entered Baba’s room. She
lied down on Baba’s bed and closed her eyes. Sleep was far away from her so she
stared at the walls.
For
the first time in last three days, she actually felt the gravity of her
loneliness. Qandeel marveled over how much had changed since past few months.
Life
was peaceful, normal and that man had turned it upside down by rudely intruding
into it. She wanted to hate Ilaaf instead; she fell in love with him. Then she
wanted to make that love her strength and was exploited by it. Nothing was left
now. Her life was rampaged totally. It was a pile of ashes. A spark, of Ilaaf
Lashari’s love was still breathing underneath it and Qandeel was not sure what else
this spark would consume from whatever remained of her life. Tears came forth
on their own. She was missing Baba and partly because she found herself trapped
in the cage of Ilaaf’s love. Night passed by weaving between the states of
consciousness and unconsciousness. When she woke up Qandeel tried to think
about new prospects this day might bring, but she had little hope. Since she
had zero appetite so a glass of milk was sufficient for her.
Leaned
onto the pillar, Qandeel listened to the memories resonating in the air. She
played back each moment she spent with Baba in this home and let the tears
flow.
Qandeel
realized she was getting late for the court and got up. She checked herself in
the mirror, took her handbag and came out of her house. She was locking the door
when Kamran Ali and Hamza Shahid arrived. She suddenly felt very guilty that
she was added to their worries.
“Come
with us. We’ll drop you to the session court.” Kamran Ali announced.
“No, I
can get rickshaw. Don’t worry.” Qandeel replied.
“We
are capable of dropping you there. Let’s go.” She couldn’t refuse Hamza Shahid.
They
accompanied her well inside the court as the journalists tried to net her.
“We’ll
be back by the end of the session and pick you. These journalists will bother
you even after the end of it.” He said.
Overwhelmed
by the behavior of these journalists, she barely managed to nod.
She
was alone now. Bracing herself Qandeel stepped inside where their session was
scheduled. Hearing wasn’t started yet. She saw Saqib standing few feet away and
smiled at him. He stared hard at her and came to her.
“What
are you here for?” He asked deprecatingly.
“I was
a witness in this case.” She was calm.
“Do
you really believe there remains any weight in your witness?” He taunted her.
“Even
if it doesn’t have any weight, I take it as my duty.” Ignoring his jeers, she
left him there and sat on one of the chairs.
Qandeel’s
head was bowed. She heard Adnan and his lawyer and raised her head. Ilaaf was
not with them.
The
magistrate entered the court and everybody was called to order. Magistrate
instructed Saqib’s lawyer to state the reason for the absence of the witness
which they promised in the last session. The lawyer apologized for wasting the
court’s time and that they don’t have anymore witnesses or proofs. Although he
pointed towards the fact that Qandeel, the soul witness of this case was
present in the court, to which Muazzam Rana, Ilaaf’s lawyer raised an
objection, which was granted to him.
Qandeel
did not understand what was going on initially. Then she tried to read each
face carefully and everything started making sense. Muazzam Rana took some
names including Asghar Sahab and a few people from her old office. Then he
stated their witnesses recorded in the last session which were enough to
assassin her character. It came as a blow to her that people think that way for
her. That she was an immoral, indecent and arrogant girl. That she could go to
any length just to satisfy her ego. That she was after Ilaaf Lashari and this
witness against him was an attempt to blackmail him into marrying her. And when
she realized that there were holes in her story she ran away, even from her
home. Her father couldn’t take the toll and died of the shock. Her father would
have lodged the FIR against the kidnappers if she really was kidnapped but he
didn’t and it indicates that she left her home on her will.
She
never knew she was of this type. She was stunned by these new revelations.
The
Magistrate listened to all of this and ordered Muazzam Rana to state the reason
for the absence of Ilaaf Lashari. Muazzam Rana presented the medical
certificate declaring the illness of Ilaaf.
May be
Ilaaf did not deem it necessary to be present at the trivial hearing, she told
herself, adding the fact that he already knew the outcome of it. Or may be he
didn’t have the courage to face her or he didn’t want to see her altogether.
The
magistrate dismissed Qandeel’s witness and warned Saqib on wasting court’s
time. There was silence for few minutes and it echoed loudly in her ears. The
tick tock of the wall clock, the scratching of an ink pen on the paper and the
sound of fan were suddenly amplified for her. The rest was as silent as dead.
Qandeel
heard the magistrate’s voice as if coming from an underground tunnel. He was giving
the verdict, of her disgrace. Ilaaf was cleared, dignified.
Everybody
was preparing to leave. She decided to follow the suite. It seemed to her, her
business was done here. Somebody came up to Qandeel when she stood up to leave.
She looked up to see who it was. Adnan.
“You
thought that you could ruin our plan by running away, huh?” The vitriol in his
voice fell unaffected over Qandeel. “You are spared because of Ilaaf. Or I
could have shattered your sense of duty long ago. You still have time until my
patience wears off. Go away from Ilaaf as soon as you can. Or I will not be
able to hold myself in check for long.”
Qandeel
glared at him and smiled sardonically. “I don’t even give a damn about Ilaaf. I
don’t hold him worthy of my hate let alone love.” Her retort wiped the smile off
Adnan’s face.
“You
are wretched! How dare you curse Ilaaf!” Adnan was livid, he almost spat his
words at her. Muazzam Rana caught him or Adnan would have hit her. “Vile woman!
I will make an example out of you.” He came out of the courtroom, enraged.
Qandeel took a deep breath and she too came out. All the journalists encircled
her the moment they saw her. Qandeel stood helplessly among them. She looked
around her to call someone for help and saw Saqib standing at a distance. She
opened her mouth to call his name just then he looked at her and she saw
contempt etched in his expressions for her. He looked away and went to his car,
breaking the circle of the journalists.
They flung
questions, accusations, assumptions at her and she gaped at them without
comprehending a single word they were saying.
“Ms.
Qandeel, is it true that you and Ilaaf Lashari were having an affair?”
“Did
you really plan to blackmail him through this case?”
“Did
you escape from your home because you and Ilaaf Lashari reached a deal?”
“Where
have you been, with whom you were staying all this time?”
She
felt defenseless.
“Let
me go.” She said and tried to evade a journalist on her right. The three on
that side came together and stopped her vehemently. Her dupatta slipped from
her head. They were using force against her which was totally unfair and
insulting. They were practically shaking her by her hand and shoulder to get
the answers out of her.
Her
powerlessness made her weep.
“Baba.”
The word came out as a sob. A hand came from nowhere.
“Qandeel,
hold my hand.” The voice sounded like Baba’s.
She
held that hand without even a second thought. Somebody broke the circle around
her and pulled her towards him. It was Hamza Shahid. He took her with him to
their car, away from the journalists. Kamran Ali was behind them. They sat in
the car and sped towards home.
“Are
you alright, Qandeel?” Hamza Shahid inquired, handing her a glass of cold
water. They were home.
“Yes.”
She managed weakly.
“We
got late in arriving there and they got a chance to hound you.” Kamran Ali was
very angry.
Qandeel
decided to put on a mask of bravery.
“I am
fine, believe me. They can’t hurt me even if they wanted to.”
They
were planning to spend the day with her but she convinced them that they should
go home. She was very guilty of the fact that they were spending most of their
time with her when they had their own lives and matters to tend.
“I
will come again in the evening. Sabiha might come too. Her leg is improving and
she’s very impatient to meet you.” Hamza Shahid reassured her.
“Sir,
you are my senior and I am embarrassed that you and Sabiha aunty should come
meet me. I will come myself tomorrow to see you both.”
He
smiled. “My doors are always open for my daughter and it will immensely please
me if you come and stay with us.”
Qandeel
nodded. “I will come there. Just let me spend few more days here to breathe in
Baba’s memories and his presence. Let me relive the time I spent here with him.”
“I
will wait for you.” He said and they both left then.
Qandeel
roamed all over the house; reminiscing, collecting of whatever was left of her
Baba. Her heart was agitated, hollow. A few women from her neighborhood visited
her but she realized they were there to diss her, taunt her not to console her.
Shama khala called and asked why she did not come to Islamabad. She gave Khala
her old reply that she would come. She wanted to think about it thoroughly
before leaving her place.
Rohail
came in the evening. Qandeel didn’t have anything to talk about except the
formal niceties. He too was very quiet. And there was no question of talking
about Ilaaf.
Maryam
also came and it dawned upon Qandeel that she didn’t ask Rohail for tea yet.
She was mindless of her surroundings, wallowing in her grief yet she wanted to
keep the spirit of Baba alive. Not offering the tea to her guests would
certainly have made him embarrassed of her.
Maryam
told her there was no need for this formality but she ordered them to sit in
the courtyard while she prepares tea for them. She also brought out chips and
fruits and set a proper tray for her friends. The moment she came back to the
courtyard, there was instant silence which felt very odd to Qandeel. She
wondered what they were talking about and why did they stop when she came. But
she didn’t point it out to them. She put the tray on the table and tried to
read their expressions. They both looked like they were slightly angry but she
couldn’t think of a reason for that expression.
Rohail
took his leave after tea while Maryam stayed until Maghrib. Qandeel closed the
door after them and left the tray on the table. It felt like too much effort.
She
switched on nearly all the lights in the house and still could not make the
darkness inside her go away. The sadness, loneliness and silence haunted her.
This
loneliness was eternal.
She
was hungry but her sadness over-rode it. Qandeel switched on the tv but it
failed to distract her, she put on the cd in the stereo but same result. She decided
to go through Baba’s books and tried to read one, useless. When she got tired
of all this Qandeel went to the roof. She watched the stars or the people
passing by on the street. Time passed rather quickly this way but then out of
nowhere it paused at an instant and her legs gave way beneath her and she slid
down to the floor, her back to the wall.
She
wished she could be a 15-year-old Qandeel who used to sit exactly like this and
sang poems with Baba. She had recently started taking interest in literature
and especially in poetry. She now used to recite and hum proper poetry. Qandeel
always recited her favorite first.
She
looked up at the night sky and tried to remember the words.
She
didn’t know how long was that poem and who was the poet. Her Baba always sung
it for her.
Her
voice shook but it was the only course to soothe her heart.
She
started crying all over again. She had lost everything. The thought that there
was no one to live for brought on fresh bout of tears.
The pateince Giver gives the patience and she was blessed
with the patience too.Qandeel
felt better now, more in control.
She
wiped her face and came downstairs. It was very late and she was famished. She
was too tired to cook anything so sufficed with the fruit on the tea table. She
collected the cups from the evening and was about to go in the kitchen to wash
them when there was a knock on the door.
She
wondered who could that be and came to the door undecided. She wanted to ask
who it was but it would give the impression that she is scared of being alone
so rejected the thought and opened the door when somebody knocked the second
time.
Qandeel
instantly regretted why she didn’t inquire. Disdain was written all over her
face.
She
was about to close the door in his face when she heard him saying,
“I ask
you in the name of your father, don’t close the door.”
The
plead was so heartfelt that she couldn’t act on her impulse.
“Why
are you here? Whom do you plan to ruin next?” She asked.
“I
need to talk to you then you can throw me out of your house.” He was
disheveled. She opened the doors widely and looked at Ilaaf closely. He had
stubble, his hair tousled, and his eyes were bloodshot.
“What have
you got to say?” Qandeel asked wryly.
“Can I
come inside?” He begged.
She
made way for him. Her mind always went out of her control whenever she was with
Ilaaf. It never obeyed her commands when near him.
Ilaaf
came inside and closed the door behind him.
She
stepped back in the middle of the courtyard. Qandeel tried to control her
fluttering heart.
“I
wanted to attend today’s hearing but they drugged me and I couldn’t wake up at
time.” He started.
Qandeel
didn’t want to decide whether to believe him or not. There was no way she could
give him another chance.
“I
never asked for explanation.” Qandeel said, expressionless.
“But I
want you to know that I will not be intimidated by anybody anymore. I will
speak truth. And that is why I wanted to go to the court today, to confess, but
I was stopped.”
“Whether
you lie or speak truth does not matter any more, Ilaaf Lashari.” She said
grimly.
“Please
don’t say that, Qandeel. I know you suffered so much because of me. You even
lost your Baba. I wasn’t aware that my blunder would wreck your life like this
or I would never have let anybody be unfair with you.” He came a little closer.
Qandeel wanted to step back but also didn’t want to give him the impression
that she was afraid of him being there. She was too distracted to ponder over
what exactly frightened her about him.
“I
promise you that I will tell the whole world you are innocent and pure. I will
get this case reopened myself. I will tell them that you have been telling the
truth all along, that my father and I are responsible of your Baba’s death.”
He
came closer still. Qandeel wanted to move away from him but she was transfixed.
His ardor made her stand still.
“I am
ready to face the consequences of my crimes.” His face mesmerized her as
nothing else did in this world. She thought it unlikely that she would ever
want to take her eyes away from that face. “I am not afraid of anyone nor would
I let anybody harm you.” She could never come out of the trance his eyes played
on her.
“You can punish me in any way you deem but do
not take me out of your life.” He held her face in his hands. She didn’t move
even a muscle as if his cold hands carved her into a statue. His tear streaked
face just inches away from hers.
“I
will leave Baba Sayien and his world and we’ll make our own, away from these tyrants,
where nobody would know us.” Her mind was in smog. The only thought remained in
it didn’t allow her as so much to reject his love.
She
loved him and needed him. She wanted to lean into him and cry; she was sure she
could hide in his arms, away from this world.
“You
want me to confess my crimes, right? I will do it. But please do not leave me.
I need you more than anything.” He was her only desire. Her heart worshipped
him. “I have become very lonely without you. Make me yours.” Every muscle in
his body was in earnest plea to her.
She
never before in her life felt weak. His touch was melting her. His insane eyes,
overflowing with love for her, were untying her decisions. He could have easily
touched his lips to hers and she couldn’t have objected.
“I
cannot live without you. I don’t want to
live without you. Marry me, Qandeel.” While crying he leaned his forehead on
hers. His breath warmed her all over. She could feel the weight of his face on
hers. He moved his face an inch from hers and looked at her. His love was
streaming in her veins.
“Marry
me Qandeel. Make me yours.” He kissed her forehead and she didn’t stop him. She
felt like slacking in his arms when a voice whipped her back to her senses. She
was not in her courtyard but outside the courthouse among those media hounds.
“I
love you Qandeel. I would die without you.” She could see him but her ears were
hearing the despotic accusations against her.
“Is it
true that Ilaaf Lashari didn’t want to marry you and you stood against him in
this case to blackmail him?”
“Say
something Qandeel, even if you want to scoff at me.” Qandeel’s face was in
Ilaaf’s hands but she felt a rude hand on her shoulder, hitting her.
“Why
don’t you reply? Is it true that you and Ilaaf Lashari struck a deal and you
left your home on your own?” She was being defiled and the insult cleared the
smog.
“I
don’t even give a damn about Ilaaf.” Her own words shouted at her from her
meeting with Adnan earlier in the morning.
No,
she could not marry him. Qandeel Yusuf was the daughter of respectable people
and she could not tarnish their name by accepting Ilaaf. Marrying Ilaaf would
only bring dishonor for her. It would drown her into an abyss of disgrace, and
she will have to live in it eternally. She could not tag herself with scandals
and bear pointed fingers. She also needed respectability in this society and
for that; she had to refuse Ilaaf.
She
looked at him with new clarity of mind. Ilaaf’s eyes were still brimming with
love for her; he was still insanely close to her. Qandeel had to act fast to
not to let herself be buried in this moment of extreme weakness. Responding to
his love, even for once, in equal measure, as his, would be equal to jumping
into a pitfall.
She
prayed hard to be stronger at this moment of weakness.
“Qandeel,
answer me. My love is harmless. I intent to protect you.”
Qandeel
pushed his hands away from her face, adamantly and stepped back. Ilaaf was
gaping at her, trying to recover from the onset of sudden harshness when
Qandeel slapped his face hard enough to sting. That action in itself was an agony
for her.
“After
ruining me and killing my father you have the gall to claim that you love me?”
Shock
and anguish rendered Ilaaf silent.
“Did
you really think that I would believe your words and promises? No, Ilaaf
Lashari. I hate you. I don’t even want to see your face. Get out of here right
now.”
“I
have nowhere to go without you, except death.” Qandeel shuddered internally. He
was talking about dying but she had to be strong.
“Get
lost from here and then do what please you. Just go away.”
“No, I
will not leave you.” Determination was clear in his voice.
Qandeel
was astounded by this. She tried to think, she saw the knife and picked it up.
“Go
away from here or I wouldn’t care to use it. I can’t bear you here for even a
minute.” She had the knife pointed at him. Her ferociousness was enough to
convince Ilaaf that she may do something and worse, she would hurt herself.
“Put
the knife down Qandeel. We can talk it through. I will go.” He tried to talk
her into reasonability but Qandeel could take none of it. Every passing moment
was making her weak.
“No,
you will have to leave here right now.” She moved forward and before she had
the time to predict his action, he had her wrists in his iron fist in one swift
movement.
“Throw
the knife away. Listen to me first and I will leave.” He said gently. But she
freed her hand and punched him in the stomach. Not ready for the attack, Ilaaf
doubled over. Qandeel turned around but the movement proved to be lethal as the
knife slashed across Ilaaf’s arm. Qandeel’s heart skidded to a stop and then
started beating violently. He was bleeding.
“Go
away. Please, please go away.” Ilaaf was too much in pain to concentrate that
she was weeping and imploring.
He
looked at her and knelt down on the floor.
“I am
your offender. You can kill me if you want to. There is nothing else - but you
to live - for in this world.” Qandeel was sure that he was out of his mind
right now and would not budge. She stared at him, frantically searching for new
solution and finally driven, put the knife on her own throat.
“You
will have to go from here.” He shook his head. “Or I will kill myself.” He was
on his feet in no time.
“No.
Stay away from me. I don’t want you anywhere near me. ” Her grim voice halted
him where he was. “ You know I will do what I am saying.”
“You
don’t want to listen to me, fine. But put it down, I am leaving. Please don’t
hurt yourself, Qandeel. Please.” He retreated, defeated. Holding his injured
hand with the other he went out of the house.
Qandeel
ran to the door, locking it behind him. She examined the blood-streaked knife
closely. She felt sick in the stomach. It was like wounding herself than him. She
threw the knife away and lied on the ground, weeping. She was suddenly very
afraid of Ilaaf’s insanity, of her weakness and for the love, she had for him. What
if he came again? A new fear raised inside her. Worse, what would she do if
Adnan decides to avenge that injury? This trial would never end, never! She
thought. There was no time to think. She had to decide once and for all. She
stood with new inspiration, as she reached a decision. She came inside her room
and took out her hand carry. Qandeel cleaned it with a cloth, opened her
cupboard and started throwing in it whatever she could pack; her clothes,
documents, Baba and ammi’s photos, and her books were all packed. She switched
off the lights in the kitchen and her room and sat in the courtyard.
Was
she destined to leave her own home this way? She thought, distressed. Until the
evening, she could not decide whom to choose; Hamza Shahid or Shama khala. But now
she was sure she could not even live in this city. Ilaaf would pursue her and
that she never wanted. If she would be in a different city, she thought, more
decided now; she would have the chance of taking Ilaaf out of her life and her
heart finally. This was not possible to do while remaining in the same city. She
switched off the light and came out of the house. She couldn’t stop her tears
while locking the door of her own house.
“You
not only ruined me but also snatched my abode from me. First, you orphaned me,
and then kicked me out of my own house.” She lamented and cursed Ilaaf and
disappeared into the night.
(Special thanks to Noor-e-Hira Shamim for translating this post)
