Chapter no. 7: Desire or Lust (VI)

She had left, and while leaving had taken away the rest of the peace of Ilaaf with her.

Embarrassment, guilt, shame and meaninglessness; he just had these feelings left behind. Ilaaf felt as he had lost everything in just a single moment; wasn’t able to decide whom he should to blame for it; to situation, Adnan or himself.

“You will ruin the situation more, Ilaaf. To wait is better than to be impatient; having the patience sometimes effect to solve even the most complicated matters.” He remembered what Rohail had said.

He had ruined the situation in real.

Standing in the departmental store, he was taking himself into account like the biggest sinner of the world. He wished by heart to sit on the floor and cry loudly like a child, cry so much so that the meaninglessness could be washed out or at least his heart went somewhat light, but he couldn’t do anything. He was a man, couldn’t cry in front of so many people. Why couldn’t cry? Men are also the human being; can’t their hearts fill with waters? Don’t they get the pain? Or do they possess stones instead of hearts in their chests? Why this world expects from men that they would never let their tears to be shed?

He kept standing at the same place where she had left him with foggy face then he somehow collected his rest of the courage and called the salesman.

“Yes sir.” Salesman said coming near; perhaps he was still scared.

Ilaaf looked at the things that have come out from the fallen basket, Qandeel was holding.

“Pack them all, and bring the bill.” He said indicating about the things.

“Yes sir.” He started collecting the things from the floor.

Ilaaf came towards the counter. Adnan was still standing there. His lips were compressed and showing that he had hardly controlled his anger, and he had just done it because of Ilaaf otherwise he wasn’t used to hear so much from someone neither he used to talk unnecessarily. Instead his tongue, he had better considered to talk from his hands and feet. And therefore, for him it was hard even to imagine that a girl went after saying so much to Ilaaf in front of him and he couldn’t do anything.

It wasn’t Adnan’s fault, it was his fault. When he was already well aware with the nature of Adnan then in any case he should haven’t taken Adnan with him even on his insistence.

Very quietly he came and stood besides Adnan. Both of them didn’t talk.

He collected the shopping bag, paid the bill. Both of them came out silently.

There was complete silence in the car. Adnan was looking him in short intervals by turning his head.

Ilaaf’s face had an impression of exhaustion. A strange pain, strange tiredness it was which was even felt by the least emotional person like Adnan. He could never see Ilaaf sad like this. He just wanted Ilaaf to laugh forever and get whatever he desires. But the problem was that Qandeel Yousuf wasn’t a thing so that he could bought it and presented to Ilaaf, this was another thing that Adnan hadn’t given importance to a woman more than a motionless thing.

“An ordinary girl insulted you in front of so many people and simply went away, and you did nothing, Ilaaf.” Perhaps he had said finally, giving up to his habit.

“So, what should I have done when she wasn’t agreed to hear and understand anything? She rightly had said; what could I have done? Except making request, what could I have done?” His tone was like a losing gambler.

“You should have kidnapped her; when would have lived away from home two four days, then would come on line like an arrow; the pride would have gone and she would have heard and understood everything you say.” Ilaaf had kept his foot on the brakes with full power. Land cruiser had a sudden powerful jerk. Both of them hardly controlled themselves.

“What are you doing, Ilaaf? Drive the car carefully.” He parked the car at the side of the road then turned towards Adnan.

“You have gone mad. Keep your cheap advices to yourself.” For the first time the tone of Ilaaf went hard unwillingly. “Would have kidnapped her and would have proved her all accuses true; would have proved that this is lust not love.”

“Like she has now awarded you the medal of gentleness.” Adnan criticized.

“She said right, those who love, don’t disrespect others like this. Whatever I did, I did wrong; dropped myself down in her and mine eyes; ruined everything due to this lunacy.” He spoke while looking outside the windscreen, then he looked Adnan. “And who asked you to show your weapon and power there. I had clearly asked you not to interfere in anything there, but you didn’t took my words seriously; you just know talking to people in a single language and that is the language of the criminals. You will never learn the manners to talk to common people, Adnan.” Adnan had heard everything quietly. Ilaaf was the only one in this world whose sweet, sour words; he could hear everything without a single crease on his forehead.

“If this is happened because of me then I am ready to apologize to her.”

“What would happen by this? Her arrogance will be elevated. The fault is mine; I should haven’t taken you with me.”

“Stop it, Ilaaf.” Adnan was perhaps irritated, “You have no experience in the case of girls, that’s why you don’t know anything. I know their psychae very well. These middle class girls….this is their hobby to imposture their piety and they trap boys in this way.”

Ilaaf never felt so much anger for Adnan in his whole life how he felt that moment.

“Shut your rubbish, Adnan. If you now spoke a single disgusting word for Qandeel then I will hold your hand and let you out of the car. I can’t bear a single insulting word for her. If you can’t talk about her with respect then keep your mouth shut.” Ilaaf really wanted to let Adnan out of the car.

“Acha, if she is really a different girl then why did she refuse you?”

“First thing is that she doesn’t like me….and now perhaps would have hated me. And the second thing is that she has been engaged, and my proposal would not be important for her.” Adnan had looked him surprisingly for the first time.

“Do you want to marry her, Ilaaf?”

Ilaaf wished either to smash his head or Adnan’s.

“So, you are thinking that I am just flirting with her and for this reason, I have put me and her on a show in front of so many people. Do I seem so wicked to you?”

“No, it’s not like that.” Perhaps Adnan was embarrassed on his question, “If you want to marry her then propse her, Ilaaf. Why won’t she be agreeing? When she will come to know that you want to marry her then will immediately be agreed, and what a thing engagement is? It can be broken in a single moment. There is no imperfection in your personality then why would she refuse you?” Ilaaf had gazed him with a painful silence. He couldn’t explain it to Adnan.

“You are handsome. Wealth, fame, respect, what you don’t have; degrees from world’s best universities; Karate black belt holder, martial art specialist; swimming, riding, hunting what you haven’t learned; football, tennis, polo, golf which game you are unskilled; history, geography, engineering, philosophy, art, literature, which field is you don’t have any information about; then why would she refuse you?” Ilaaf kept looking Adnan with stony eyes. Perhaps for another girl these qualities could be interesting, but not for Qandeel Yousuf.

Ilaaf remembered, Rohail had also introduced him to Qandeel in the get together, almost in the same words, and she had kept hearing with expressionless face. Not for a single time, he could see any appreciating shine in her eyes. She wasn’t interested in any of his qualities.

“You captivate people with your words and tunes, whenever been to a party. Many girls still want to be your friend. One whom you look smiling, you conquer him or her forever.”

“Stop it, Adnan. For God’s sake, stop it.” Keeping his elbows on the steering, he hid his face into his hands. “I have to conquer no one.” Sitting straight he turned his head, “When in so many days, I couldn’t win the heart of Qandeel Yousuf, the girl who conquered me with a single gaze, then I have to conquer no one in this world, no one.” He felt his corners of eyes were wetting.

Adnan squeezed his lips.

There was silence for a while then Ilaaf started the car and brought on the road.

A miserable pain was getting height inside him so that he wasn’t able to concentrate on driving; speed of car was high as well. Just in a while, the patience of Adnan had given up.

“Drive the car slow, Ilaaf. You have broken two signals. For sure, your number plate and your name is enough to save you from legal invoice, but I don’t have any intention to hear admonishes of these mean policemen; don’t have courage to make a legal invoice so start advicing us like kids.” Ilaaf looked him turning his head. He felt as not Adnan but Qandeel is sitting there and asking to lower the speed in annoyed tone. He changed the gear and lowered the speed.

Perhaps Adnan was surprised. For the first time in life, Ilaaf had followed his instruction being quiet.

Dropping Adnan, he came home. Taking the shopping bag from the back seat, he came directly into his room.

The lights were off. He turned on the night bulb and closed the door. Turning on the side tables lamps, he sat onto bed. Next moment he inverted the shopping bag on the bed.

For a while he kept looking those three things, then he kept the time piece on the side table and rest of the two things on the dressing table.

And then in that dimmed light, he came and sat on study table. Turning on the laptop, he looked Qandeel.

“If you are powerful then why don’t you throw me out from your heart and mind? Why don’t you stop yourself following me? If you are powerful then stop your feet coming towards me.” Her voice and her words were like a spear for him and every moment his body was being wounded by their attack.

“You want me to take you out from my heart and mind; to keep myself away from you; to forget you. If you want this then I will try to do it as well, Qandeel Yousuf; to make your way comfortable, to save you from any pain any misery, in order to keep away the effect of my lunacy from your peaceful life, I will make this effort as well, while I know that it would be worthless but at least will try to forget you, will try to take you out from my heart.” With trembling lips, muttering himself, he had felt a sharp knife piercing his soul.

Ilaaf Laashari, silly boy, thought love as a round of Polo and agreed to play. He didn’t know that Love isn’t a dress, shoes or socks which can be detached from the body and throw away. Love is the color of the universe if penetrates into soul once then even death can’t detach and throw that color. Love is a tune when takes someone into its enclosure then in grief, happiness, crowd, loneliness, every moment every place this tune echoes in the ear; to forget or to try to forget it is just like betraying one’s ownself.